Just when I think I might have some inkling of what's next, God surprises me. And that comes as no surprise! While I've been contentedly responding to needs around me in my little corner of the world, God has continued to have His eye on every other corner simultaneously; and apparently, in His sovereign judgment, deemed it time for me to move out once again to make myself available to some needy people in the Dominican Republic. Was I ready? No, I was not. Or at least, from my self-centered, short-sighted, time and space-restricted paradigm, it didn't feel like readiness. But what do I know? All I know is what I want, and that is about as subjective as it gets, and therefore not to be trusted too tenaciously. What I wanted was to stay put for awhile. To sleep in my own bed for a few months straight. To not pack another suitcase just yet. To not trudge through another airport with bags hanging off my arms and dragging behind me through long, tiring corridors, up and down escalators and in and out of heartless terminal transport systems while trying to make sense of signs in foreign languages. To not say goodbye to my family again so soon and leave them holding down the fort without the main food cooker, toilet scrubber, errand runner, laundry washer and garden weeder/waterer available to keep things moving forward. But how long can I resist a call and still expect to maintain an intimate relationship that means more to me than any of those other things?
My conversation with God two weeks ago went something like this:
God: I want you to go on that trip to the DR.
Me: You're kidding, right?
God: Not at all.
Me: I don't want to go.
God: I want you to go.
Me: I don't want to go. I've been away so much this year already and I just want to stay home.
God: I want you to go.
Me: I don't want to go. I'm tired of travelling.
God: I want you to go.
Me: I don't want to go. Please don't make me go.
God: I won't make you go, but I want you to go because you know I want you to go.
Me: Well . . . well . . . well . . . how is this trip going to get paid for? You know I have no money lying around, and it's too soon to send out letters asking for support when I just got back from Africa only six months ago.
God: That's my problem, not yours.
Me: I don't want to go.
God: (Silence)
So even while I whined and grumbled in my spirit, wanting to have full control over my calendar and my commitments, I knew I would be going to the Dominican Republic in October. I knew this because I can't say no to God even when I'm not crazy about what He's telling me. The price of losing even a scrap of intimacy with Him is simply not worth it, so the outcome was already settled even when my words were expressing the resistance in my heart. I'm going to the DR.
It's almost a joke on me in a way. Last year I had the idea for Dresses of Hope, to collect and send dresses to girls in the village where our Mosaic team would be going to do a construction project to help some missionaries. The response to my request for dresses was far beyond what I was expecting, and I prepared and sent 150 beautiful donated dresses, each pinned with a pretty little handmade card with a message of Jesus' love to the recipient. The dresses were well received, and the missionaries agreed that they would be happy to have a Dresses of Hope donation again this year.
So this summer I've been working on that project with my eyes focused on the deadline for having all the dresses ready in time for the Mosaic team to take them in October. Numerous times people have asked me, "Are you going on that trip?" Always my answer had been the same. "No, I'm just preparing and sending the dresses." And I was content with that and truly believed that was my entire contribution to this mission trip. That is, until two weeks ago when I heard the still small voice and couldn't deny the call.
Now I'm over my initial resistance to the idea, and have even gone a step beyond resignation. My thoughts now are beginning to lean toward expectancy and anticipation. God is going to do something of eternal value and He chose me to be a part of it!
My conversation with God two weeks ago went something like this:
God: I want you to go on that trip to the DR.
Me: You're kidding, right?
God: Not at all.
Me: I don't want to go.
God: I want you to go.
Me: I don't want to go. I've been away so much this year already and I just want to stay home.
God: I want you to go.
Me: I don't want to go. I'm tired of travelling.
God: I want you to go.
Me: I don't want to go. Please don't make me go.
God: I won't make you go, but I want you to go because you know I want you to go.
Me: Well . . . well . . . well . . . how is this trip going to get paid for? You know I have no money lying around, and it's too soon to send out letters asking for support when I just got back from Africa only six months ago.
God: That's my problem, not yours.
Me: I don't want to go.
God: (Silence)
So even while I whined and grumbled in my spirit, wanting to have full control over my calendar and my commitments, I knew I would be going to the Dominican Republic in October. I knew this because I can't say no to God even when I'm not crazy about what He's telling me. The price of losing even a scrap of intimacy with Him is simply not worth it, so the outcome was already settled even when my words were expressing the resistance in my heart. I'm going to the DR.
It's almost a joke on me in a way. Last year I had the idea for Dresses of Hope, to collect and send dresses to girls in the village where our Mosaic team would be going to do a construction project to help some missionaries. The response to my request for dresses was far beyond what I was expecting, and I prepared and sent 150 beautiful donated dresses, each pinned with a pretty little handmade card with a message of Jesus' love to the recipient. The dresses were well received, and the missionaries agreed that they would be happy to have a Dresses of Hope donation again this year.
So this summer I've been working on that project with my eyes focused on the deadline for having all the dresses ready in time for the Mosaic team to take them in October. Numerous times people have asked me, "Are you going on that trip?" Always my answer had been the same. "No, I'm just preparing and sending the dresses." And I was content with that and truly believed that was my entire contribution to this mission trip. That is, until two weeks ago when I heard the still small voice and couldn't deny the call.
Now I'm over my initial resistance to the idea, and have even gone a step beyond resignation. My thoughts now are beginning to lean toward expectancy and anticipation. God is going to do something of eternal value and He chose me to be a part of it!
